“They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. Benjamin Franklin”

Jabberwocky By Lewis Carrol

Mysterious Sales Of Police Uniforms

policewomanA suspicious rise in sales of police and security uniforms has several states and municipalities looking to restrict the sale of such items to official agencies only. An informal survey of several uniform sales outlets that specialize in the manufacture and sales of uniforms for security professionals has indicated that a substantial rise in the sales of uniforms, badges and accessories  has s occurred over the last several months that cannot be attributed to  the usual upswing in sales that typically precedes the Halloween season. More disturbing is the pattern that such sales are increasing in areas associated with increased crime levels. Speaking on condition of anonymity a spokesman for PSGI, the Professional Security Garment Industry, a trade group that furthers the interests of makers of specialty clothing for police, firefighters and various security agencies, Cal  Wilkie informed The Yellow Press that it had been tracking the increased sales for several years but had only noticed the dramatic rise in recent months. “We normally see a small bump that can be attributed to Halloween but this year the increase is dramatic. “He said, “our first instinct was that it was a foreign influence and that perhaps the sales were to immigrants bent on perpetrating another 9/11 type attack under the guise of police and security professionals. But on closer inspection we noticed that while the sales were up in poorer areas it was typically in red states and places where there were a large proportion of so-called conservatives. We aren’t sure, and there is no law against wearing clothing that looks like a police uniform unless one actually identifies themselves as an officer of the law, but we think that some of the sales are to groups planning to take the law into their own hands dependent upon the outcome of the November election.”

News From The Right

s palinThis week in news from the right:

Sara Palin bumps head, no harm done. Sara Palin, former vice presidential candidate took a tumble while running recently and stumbled upon some rocks, cracking open her head a bit but spilling nothing important. She explained, in a bit of a rambling discourse. “It was Hillary’s fault, she always comes to mind when trouble occurs, or Satan, and while  I was thinking about where to place my foot while running the rocky path I thought of how she is always lying and putting her foot in her mouth and I fell, which is to tell the truth a bit embarrassing as I never fell when I was a cheerleader and those routines are quite complicated you know what with the pom-poms being different colors and all but not good old red, white and blue.”

Mouthpiece Sean Hannity says Kaepernick should STFUp. Colin Kaepernick, the sports figure who is currently embroiled in controversy because he failed to stand during the playing of the national anthem at a recent ballgame as a quiet protest of the nations unjust treatment of minorities has drawn comments from numerous sources, some condemnation at his lack of patriotism, some praise at his determination to voice his discontent and some level headed reflection on the nature of freedom of speech. Right wing voice celebrity commentator Sean Hannity was more red in the face than the tightness of his girdle could explain when he said, “Kaepernick is paid a lot to perform. He should stand when told to, sit on command, bark, heel, go, fetch, roll over and lie down.”

Trumps chumps continue to churn out entertainment. Around the country the fun continues as Chumps for Trump continue their crusade behind their chosen leader. One fine fellow says women shouldn’t be allowed to vote unless they follow his advice on birth control. Another exemplar says this about today’s progressive women.

Codpiece Trump Cancels Appearances

Codpiece Trump, or his Nibs as he is sometimes called has cancelled some appearances after misplacing both his hair stylist and baseball cap at the same time. “Suzie’s the best I tell you, the best and without her or my cap I can’t appear. Someone send a plane back to Cleveland for the cap. It’s my favorite cap, you know the one with the two letters on it. Oh and pick up Suzie on the way back, Melania borrowed her and now I need her back.” Codpiece said. Rallies for the next few days have been cancelled so Trump can adequately recover from the shock. His faithful are grilling weenies in sympathy, awaiting word of his return to the national stage. Codpiece Trump has vowed to continue his rapprochement of his primary rival for the position on most significant weevil on the planet, Crooked Hillary, saying, “Look at her, the only thing attractive about her is her beer barrel calves. I can find better at the dollar store. And I can shop anywhere, New York, Lithuania, Paris, California.”

Tater Tots And A Hamburger Patty

To look at it it doesn’t seem like much yet consider that we live like kings. A daub of horseradish mustard as condiment, a slightly crisp hamburger patty, still as uniform as when it came off the factory floor but smaller, burned  and salted, and the salubrious tater tots crowding the plate. Kings from days gone past might not have eaten so swell.

Complain about our leaders and those that might soon be, all for show and Rome burns as they fiddle around but we are still eating good. Some lunatic took a knife to several people in Japan, others beheaded a priest in Normandy, in Somalia one set off a bomb killing himself and others and globally these incidents flare up and are soon forgotten save those touched directly by them. There is still food on the plate for most, starvation is not so common as it once was. 

There are roads and routes of travel that permit us to be in winter one day and summer the next. Before, whole ships would be found drifting upon the open ocean, their stricken crew all dead of the disease they found exploring new worlds before they could bring it home. Today athletes from all corners of the globe will converge upon one small area with a infectious virus that they may return home with to spread the plague more widely. But we live like kings, the royal physicians are working on the problem and we eat well and have our entertainments.

 Our forebears were astonished to discover that as horses ran they truly did have all four hooves off the ground at one point, today we may put a visor on and control the actions of aircraft halfway around the world. We are living like kings, the sword that worried Damocoles will likely steer clear of our hamburger and tater tots, why worry about it now while dessert is in the offing?

Now That’s A Story!


It paints quite a scene for the aspen covered forest stroll don’t it?

The Starvlings Are Listening


Grandpaps had a fiery temper. When a child would push their plate away while it still held a few scraps of uneaten food a glare would begin to darken accross his face, his ears would become red and the hairs in them bristled and one knew the sermon was coming. “There are starving kids in China.” He’d say. “They would love to have that food. The succotash is delicious, there is still meat on that pork chop bone, there is nothing wrong with the applesauce, it’s just a little brown that’s all. We can sit here on our fat butts all day and yak about how tough things are but there ain’t a one of us that’s going hungry or getting shot at. Well going hungry anyway. When I was a boy we sometimes went without meals, or had awful scimpy ones at times. We stuffed newspapers in our shoes when the soles were shot. Heck, kids these days don’t have to wear ragged, patched coats that were handed dow from brother to brother. No they gotta have a brand new ballcap with a flat brim. Whoever heard of a flat brim on a ballcap? And gawdamighty if it gets a little smudge on it.” He pushed down on the tabletop with two gnarled, meaty fists and scowled. “Well in this house we don’t let perfectly good food go to waste so you’ll either spend your allowance to mail it to China, eat it all so you can have dessert or slide it over to me and I’ll eat your dessert too”

In the article cited above it was also noted that while the US wastes about half its food, globally the figure is about one third. Waste not want some o’ this?

Don’t Work So Hard

Erastus Snow”If a person having a strong desire for stimulants, such as spirituous liquors, tea, coffee, tobacco, opium, &c., that stimulate the nervous system to excess, and continues to gratify this appetite, will soon destroy the elasticity of his nervous system, and become like a bow that is often bent almost to breaking….We must neither indulge in excessive eating, excessive drinking, nor in excessive working, whereby to overtax our physical energies or our nervous system.

Trump And The Case For War

trumpPresumptive president elect Donald Trump has recently presided over a meeting with his campaign advisers in which the subject of restoring the supremacy of the United States to the forefront of the world stage through military action and an unapologetic use of force to maintain that position. While none of the participants, several of whom have been advanced as possible cabinet members and officers of his administration, would not be quoted on the record The Yellow Press has been informed on the substance of the meeting, details of which will be released during Trumps acceptance speech for the upcoming Republican National convention.

In an effort to undo the years of devastating setbacks caused by the current Obama administration which witnessed the leader of the world’s most powerful nation granting concessions and bowing in obeisance to several minor world leaders, Trump has put forth a no-nonsense position which will broach no insult from such petty despots as Russia’s Vladimir Putin, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un and the leaders of Mao’s Communist China. In territorial disputes, like the recent simulated dive bombing attack on an American warship in international waters by Russian fighter jets, American commanders will be instructed to take a shoot first and ask questions later attitude to all potentially threatening behaviors by other nation’s forces. All of the US’s borders will be re drafted to the borders as they were established in 1962, prior to the Cuban missile crisis. While none of these borders have been formally ceded to our adversaries, concessions have been made that de-facto have allowed other countries to trespass upon and lay claim to the US’s possessions for the last several decades. particularly egregious to Trump’s committee are the porosity of the nations border with Mexico and Canada where the full force of our military might will be brought to bear to seal the tidal wave of illegal immigrants that has flooded our country taken even the option of honest manual labor from our poor along with their ability to pull themselves up by their own  bootstraps. Internationally contested areas will also be defended to the utmost of our abilities and areas like the south China sea, the Philippines, Guantanamo Bay, the Panama canal and other areas will be fully protected. Furthermore American companies and their holdings will receive the same  protections through an increase in military spending as well as a substantial increase in the number of troops. Talk also encompassed the possible recapture and repossession of several industries that were nationalized by various nations, i.e. Argentina’s and Peru’s nationalization of Standard Oil’s refineries and operations in the mid 1970’s.

The US will also revisit the terms of war. Trump stated he has no qualms about backtracking on President Obama’s rejection of the use of nuclear force. “War is ugly,” He said, “and there are no rules. Winning is the only option.”


Time To Visit The Parks, Things To Do!

rock rolling national park yellow pressBundle up the kids, drop the dog off at the sitter, flush the goldfish, (you can always get a new one), load the car, remind the hubby there will be no backseat driving and hit the highway, it’s vacation time! Off to the national parks, Americas playgrounds. But what to do after the first night and the campfire embers have burned low, the visitor centers exhibits viewed and the interpretive signs read many times over. Tomorrow should be a fun day, take a few hints from our fathers and enjoy these time honored activities in the parks that seem to have gone out of style.

Rock Rolling. Keep a sharp eye out, it won’t take long to find the perfect opportunity to send a huge boulder crashing satisfactorily into valleys, chasms or even onto trails and roads below. Leverage may be needed, carry a stout walking stick to give that added boost. Often it doesn’t take much more than a gentle push to send the right rock scuttering downhill, sending motorists and casual hikers below into a real tizzy. If there aren’t enough sizable boulders perched over the trail there’s almost always a throwing rock nearby, aim close to hikers, they usually jump back with a ‘Where the heck did that come from.’  look.

Tourist Teasing. It’s inevitable, you’ll come across someone on the trail and they’ll ask, “How much farther is it?”. What a perfect chance for giggles. Tell them it isn’t far, or it’s a real long trek, or to make a left or is it a right at the creek. Warn them about rattlesnakes, or grizzlies or peccaries or the naked gathering of aged hippies holding a drum circle ahead. Whet their appetite for a long downhill stretch or bit of a slog through the mud. Tell them to be sure to take their own clothes off before they meet with the dancing hipsters, who are willing to accept the unclothed but go all Manson on the attired. There are a thousand variations on the theme, pick one suitable and stand back and watch the fun.

Road Sign Shooting. This has fallen out of favor but with doomsday now imminent it pays to stay in practice by plinking away at Rudolph as you fly by at 70mph. Purists only consider a road sign trophy bagged when the ammo is dispensed from a moving vehicle. All signs are fair game but the most highly prized trophies are those with a depiction of a leaping, scurrying animal be it ungulate, ursine, porcine, bovine, bipedal, reptilian or avian in nature. Placement is important with the most points generally awarded to shots that make the animal appear to have a bulbous snoot or prolific scat.

Graffito. The ancients left their mark, why shouldn’t modern man? At newspaper rock in the Canyonlands of Utah the Anasazi peppered a blackened rock surface with depictions of sheep and deer and lizards and weird symbols that have archaeologists scratching heads even today as to their meaning. While these petroglyphs  are thousands of years old, as recently as 1902 a cowboy named Gonzales and in 1954 his son or grandson left his mark on this same rockface. Yet today the little traces of our passing are disappearing.  What will future generations think of us today when they look for our markings and find that we left nothing in our wakes, that we were uninspired, couldn’t spell to write our own names. Let us again take up knives and scratch our initials in hearts on trees. Get a can of spray paint and make a stencil and smiley face the world with pride, why should only railroad boxcars be works of art? Chisel your sobriquet into a hundred stony surfaces before the only place it can be found is on the granite of your gravestone.

Public Art. Why should Christo have all the fun. What more stupendous setting could there possibly be than the natural world and our national parks breathtaking vistas. We know of two climbers, part of the kitchen crew we recently met at the Creek Pasture campground outside of Canyonlands National park whose mission is to climb and enlighten, who bring a little bright bit of rainbow to every place they go. From the boulders of Joshua Tree to the cracks of Courthouse Wash and among the lofty crags of Yosemite they have scrambled up, set small anchors and suspended glittering glass crystals, prisms and pendants in places where they catch the light and no mere mortal appears to have placed them. In a particularly inspired moment they flew a kite across the Dolores river canyon in Colorado to string strong fishing line across the chasm, suspended the merest one inch of faceted crystal ball several hundred feet above the roadway below from sheer red sandstone walls.  The effect is to have the tiniest suspicion of a daylight rainbow star glimmering in the empty blue sky, something perhaps seen but more imagined. Watch for another inspired design, a tie dyed angelfish of sizable proportions to appear at a prominent and spectacular viewpoint this summer!

Trip Wires And Snares.  Imagine the surprise of an unwary hiker strolling along when, KAPOOF! he triggers a confetti bomb that showers him in multicolored paper bits. How about the simple mud filled pothole covered with sticks an leaves? Glitter bombing can take on a whole new meaning outdoors, the trails could sparkle for decades with more than just mica an schist.

Feed The Animals. After years of warnings about how feeding the wildlife has made them dependent think of how they must be starving. Always bring along a loaf  of stale bread, it’s lightweight and almost everything, from bitty birds to big ole bears will eat it. Your Grandpa has a home movie of him feeding Yogi, why should you be left out, get the gopro out and a can of tuna, be creative. Remember you don’t need to outrun the bear, just your buddy.

Decorate With Fire. Fifty years ago the park service built huge bonfires atop Half Dome at Yosemite and pushed the embers over the edge to the delight of all as the firefall lit the night. My uncle would liven things up by tossing a cupful of gasoline into the campfire at bedtime, oh what a glorious spectacle. Fire is your friend, experiment!

Well, these are just a few ideas to make your visit to the parks this summer more entertaining. If you have more send them to us and we’ll print them here so others can join in the fun.

Get on the Stick!


University of Washington Students To Choose Cheerleaders

Cheerleader, The Yellow PressThe University of Washington has responded to it’s recent scandal involving the objectification of women by instead permitting its student body to select its cheerleading staff. The decision is widely hailed as a positive step by the students, who promise to make more  responsible decisions than the elderly gentlemen formerly in charge of the process. The student government has already drawn up a list of criteria in the form of a multiple choice selection chart that will be used to elect the eight member squad, (six active and two reserve). Various parameters will be available in an effort to ensure equality in the selection process such as; male / female, natural / altered, hot / not, large / small, light / dark, thin / pleasingly plump, vivacious / lackluster, doable / pew. An initial motion by some members of the governing body to limit the selection process to the male members, as the only ones with a true appreciation of the activity was tabled.