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Can The Invisible Man Get Sunburned?

invisible womanThink Kevin Bacon. He stripped to gad about in the movie he played a brilliant scientist in. Developed some invisibility potion and lost his marbles from the power it gave him. But he strolled about nekkid for a while, and that had to have some effect. Negate the effect of the cold by saying you were living in a warm enough climate, and if you were invisible it might not matter about the cloak of darkness. So, you take the potion, become unseeable, go jaybird and strut the streets. The sun is still shining and it’s gotta go somewhere.

So if your invisibility is based on refraction, that is the light hits you and the potion has made it so it just bends around you and kinda goes right through you no matter what angle it comes from and just shows whats behind you it still hit you. And if it’s reflection it hit you the same. In fact the only way the light didn’t hit you is if you weren’t there and if you weren’t there there never would have been a book or movie or sequel ar remake.

So if it hit you can you get sunburnt? There you are, strutting about in your altogether and yes, there are some areas on your body that have seldom seen the light of day. Those areas are sensitive, way sensitive to sunburn, just ask someone with the experience. So invisible or not, the sun hits you in those delicate areas with all its gamma and ultraviolet and beta rays and such, might it not have some effect? That’s gotta hurt. And it might even have long term undesirable effects like blotch and scrofula and such. Could the invisible woman wear sunscreen, like some clear, less oily Coppertone and still be invisible or would he leave a woman shaped mirage for anyone to see? We all knows what happens when she eats or drinks and it’s disgusting. Those irregular globs, chunks and morsels moving by peristalsis down her epiglottis until the transparency of her self takes over and blocks them from further view.

Now this question occurred to writer not because his residence is in Washington state, nor because he’s visiting Colorado, but merely because the untrammeled mind is free to wander and wander it did. What you think, is sunburn even an issue to the invisible man or is there some underlying factor that renders it moot. (Moot used to mean germane, lookit up.)

World Chess Championship: Magnus Carlsen Draws Marathon Game 7 vs Viswanathan Anand, Retains Match Lead

duchamp and carey play chessNorwegian world chess champion Magnus Carlsen and Indian title challenger Viswanathan Anand Monday signed a peace treaty after fighting for over six hours and making 122 moves in the seventh round of the world title match held in Russia.
The game was one of the longest in the history of world chess championship.
At the end of the seventh round, Carlsen leads the 12-round match with four points to Anand’s three points.
On Tuesday, Anand will play with white pieces in the eighth round.

Kissing For Cooties

wet kissIt’s news! Get cooties kissing! 80 million bacteria jump ship with every liplock, to say nothing of their infinitesimally smaller and more prolific and insidious brethren, the viruses. It ain’t the nastiest behavior on the block but yes, you can spread stuff around with a display of affection. The research shows the little germies dance and frolic like hamsters in a new tunnel system when the oral protrusions connect, swapping infectious organisms evenly between the two, or more, or even many more, depending upon how rambunctious one is, partners. 80 MILLION, get a concept of how many buggers that is, there are only about 7000 grains of rice in a cup, and if a germ was as big as a grain of rice you’d have about 11,500 cups of little elongated white grains impeding your ability to speak. Some germs are elongated, e-coli is, and do you want 11,500 cups of that in your chops, we know where that comes from. No kissing anymore, the science ordains it. It’s a vector. It spreads cooties. Cooties! COOTIES! Cooties like mononucleosis, the common cold, the flu, the bird flu, the norovirus, ebola, penguin feet, shingles, herpes and happiness.

So we know now, we really always have, kissing is an insidiously dangerous custom. Why is it the Aleuts just rub noses? Ever had the flu in an igloo, you’d be more conscientious about where you put your mouth too.

But changing a behavior is only effective if what replaces it is more satisfactory so The Yellow Press recommends forgoing the kissing, it was only a prelude anyway and getting right to the main course. Gonna catch the cooties? Might as well be worth it.

Renee Zellweger Admits Fraud

Renée_Zellweger_by_David_Shankbone640px-Michelle_Williams_by_Gage_SkidmoreActress Renee Zellweger admits to fraud involving her appearance at the Elle’s Women in Hollywood awards ceremony on Monday night. The internet lit up when the actress showed up at the event apparently looking much different than the public was accustomed to.  Zellweger has previously been described as a buoyant,  cherubic, girl next door type and several were surprised by her new look which was, frankly, ow chihuahua, bless my poor little over-strained pulmonary and cardiac system and haul me off to the hospital she’s so darned beauteous in a full blown all out growed up womanly kinda way. After all the spin had spun outta control and the internet pundits had begun to surmise that mayhaps she’d nipped and tucked and got her some amendments, Renee decided to set the record straight and admit that the whole thing was a hoax. She has been just too darn busy to mess with all the awards and ceremonies and such stuff so she sent a lookalike in her stead. The lookalike, or looker, actress Michelle Williams, was not quite cued in to how Zellweger wears her hair and thus the whole thing took on a life of it’s own. Zellweger explained, “The tomatoes were all getting ripe and I’d spent to whole weekend in the garden getting them in and wanted to get them canned before they spoiled.”

A Scary Poem For Halloween

A poem for Halloween, The Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll, as recited by our editor.

Ebola Infects Dogs

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The ebola virus has crossed species and begun infecting members of the canine family. Suspected origionally as a mild variant of canine distemper in a population of wild dogs located near the eastern border of Burkina Faso the ebola virus has now been confirmed as being communicated to both wild dog populations as well as several towns domestic dog populations. As is common with diseases that cross species, the virus affects canids differently, primarily causing spastic, involuntary muscle movement, excessive salivary production and an inability to close the affected animals eyes. The disease is nonlethal in canids but as easily transmissable through contact with bodily fluids and has raised fears that the virus may spread further due to the roaming, communal nature of dogs themselves. Studies are currently underway to determine if the disease is migrating into similar mammalian populations.

No Laughing Here

laughWe agree with  Turkey’s Deputy Prime Minister Bulent Arinc in principle when he says that women should not laugh too loudly in public, but feel the caveat should be extended to everyone. Aside from the blatantly  misogynistic aspect of his suggestion, the recommendation that laughter and mirth be constrained in public has a basis in common decency. Who among us hasn’t been offended by the inane giggles emanating from a klatch of idle teens, or the grating cackles of a hen party at the local coffee shop when one is trying to get meaningful work done on the free wifi, not to mention the hearty obnoxious guffaws of some big bellied bulldozer driver choking on his buttered popcorn at the action movie theater multiplex. Yup, we’ve had it with all the frivolity, curb your chortles an save em for the privacy of your own brew-can strewn den where your amusement can be appreciated by the only one who truly can, your worthless, leftover-stuffed pet poodle. He’s the only one that really cares if you are happy anyway. This world is a serious place Buster, there are people starving out there and some of them are us. Save your chuckles for St. Peter when he explains the irony of the fact that he’s gotta let you in because the bus hit you just after you left the absolution booth, even though your real reason for confession was to get under the skin of the priest.  If the world was a bit more somber and serious maybe we could finally something important done, like digging trenches and building walls.

WomenAgainstFeminism

beautyEven in these modern days, the times of unisex bathrooms and girdles for dudes of advanced age and advancing waistlines it should be understood that the feminists are wrong, men and women are not equal. Women got a shape way different than men, thank goodness. Men lumber, knuckles adrag, scratching, snorting, huffing and pooting, knocking stuff asunder and leaving bad smells. Women make their way through the world in a dance of flower fragrant grace, a swirl of becoming glances, Heddy Lamar tosses of the head and starry smiles. Equal pay my hairy bicep. The crewcut lassie that wears a flannel shirt and can heft five ten foot two by fours while walking the wall plates to assist with setting rafters all while swinging a full tool belt deserves that equal pay, or better, if she can wield a framing axe more proficiently than the foreman on the job. But equal pay just because the sky is the same color for her as it is for the lead bottomed plumber in the gravel strewn crawl space, bah humbug.   On one hand the #womenagainstfeminism movement, (they got a facebook page, and a twitter presence, lookit up), seems like a bad idea. After all the girlies have been fighting since the nascence of time for a fair shake, now, in recent years they’ve made a few steps forward, like the right to vote, (in this country), the ability to play golf in most country clubs and the wearing of pants, (in more ways than one), why now are some of them posting photos and participating in these movements? The sites have a large number of adherents, women posting cutsie pics with signs reading, “I like being a robot.”, and “Thanks for the beatings.”. Can 12,000 + ladies really enjoy being chattel? Again, on first glance, it sounds like bad reasoning.   But is it really? If the movement grew that fast, two months, there must be some logic to it. And the more we thought about it, the more it did make sense, from this man’s point of view. We never really liked those feminists anyway, smoking our cigars, swilling our scotch, wearing our shirts. Well maybe the wearing our shirts wasn’t so bad. But taking our jobs, that really grates. Until these feminist came along men were the chefs, womenthey were just cooks. Men managed and assistant managed the convenience stores, women were sometimes clerks, but night manager, no dice. The trades were a mans world, where the coffee cups were filled with an acrid syrup and never washed. Where the Rigid tool calender hung proudly on the wall and invective filled the air. Then the feminists wanted in, and along with em came OSHA, and PC talk and it became gauche to heat your burrito on the engine block or scratch your back on the door jamb. All the fun done gone.   So lets all go backwards, we like the idea. #womenagainstfeminism, may your movement prosper and grow strong. May all your members play with Barbies and wear baby doll dresses. May you beat the clothes clean upon rocks and hot iron them to a fine, straight crisp for us, your masters. May you walk barefoot and subservient that us menfolk may hunt, fish, gamble and poot at our leisure.

Google and the Right to be Forgotten

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAWhat inane nonsense will those silly Europeans dream up next? First it was Oktoberfest, just a beer and brat party by another name. The only way a grown man can be coerced into prancing about in lederhosen is with a large stein of suds. Then they came up with caber tossing, highland games and the hammer throw. The only way a grown man can be convinced to cavort about in a plaid skirt is when he’s loaded up with whiskey. And who invented those national costumes? The only way a full grown Greek man would parade around in this outfit is with a snootfull of Ouzo. So it’s only logical that the European lads and lasses would come up with the ludicrous idea that they are entitled to a right to be forgotten. And then to try and legislate it so the rest of the globe has to forget them to. Who has been the first to try to take advantage of the law? Sleazeballs and balloonmen.

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By law Google is required to delete the facts, facts mind you, rock solid indisputable they really happened facts in their search results regarding these actual incidents and behaviors when a person, or legal entity requests it. Too bad Google is a public company, responsible to it’s shareholders who want to make a profit, otherwise Sergey and Larry might be inclined to do the right thing, which is; “Forgive, but never forget.” And now the EU, those geniuses behind the law want to extend it’s reach to include areas global in nature. Yup, search for the history of Vlad the Impaler and if he’s filed a complaint with the EU you won’t find results that state he had a line of 20,000 living corpses on posts for miles along the road leading into Targoviste.

No one has a right to be forgotten, if you are you earned it through a life lived quietly, that never hurt a fly. But the people we should never forget are those whose history we don’t want repeated. Oh, and forget I ever streaked in front of thousands gathered for a small town festival please, thank goodness there was no internet then.

Green Eyed Monster

dog4Jealousy, the green eyed monster, (lookit up), has now reared it’s ugly head in the most disturbing place. Yep, your dog is jealous. He’s jealous of the better food you eat, he hates it when your friends hug you, he wants to drive your car, he wishes he had an Iphone and he hates to see you leave for work when you could be taking him for a walk instead. Research by Friederike Range and her colleagues at the University of Vienna, Austria, has shown that the little beasties we are so fond of, and the big goofy ones too, get frenzied with envy at all those little snubs we thought they didn’t notice. Testing the slavering hounds by asking them to shake paws with the researchers and offering them nothing in return, then doing so in the company of a new mutt who was rewarded for performing the task, it was noticed that the unrewarded fleabag became obstreperous and less willing to shake when he noticed the compensation make to the new pest. Dogs who weren’t rewarded became insanely jealous, feverish with rage, snapping out and nipping the scientists, buying guns and stockpiling ammo in their little igloo kennels [AMAZONPRODUCTS asin=”B0002DI4I0″], posting hundreds of photos of the researchers with mustaches and crazy eyes drawn on them and leaving little piles of detritus on the hallway carpet. It was only after rewarding the affronted canine subjects of the study with cans of Dinty Moore  beef stew that they returned to their docile, lovable selfs, putting their fuzzy heads on the scientists laps and looking up with doleful eyes for forgiveness.