Actress Renee Zellweger admits to fraud involving her appearance at the Elle’s Women in Hollywood awards ceremony on Monday night. The internet lit up when the actress showed up at the event apparently looking much different than the public was accustomed to. Zellweger has previously been described as a buoyant, cherubic, girl next door type and several were surprised by her new look which was, frankly, ow chihuahua, bless my poor little over-strained pulmonary and cardiac system and haul me off to the hospital she’s so darned beauteous in a full blown all out growed up womanly kinda way. After all the spin had spun outta control and the internet pundits had begun to surmise that mayhaps she’d nipped and tucked and got her some amendments, Renee decided to set the record straight and admit that the whole thing was a hoax. She has been just too darn busy to mess with all the awards and ceremonies and such stuff so she sent a lookalike in her stead. The lookalike, or looker, actress Michelle Williams, was not quite cued in to how Zellweger wears her hair and thus the whole thing took on a life of it’s own. Zellweger explained, “The tomatoes were all getting ripe and I’d spent to whole weekend in the garden getting them in and wanted to get them canned before they spoiled.”
A poem for Halloween, The Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll, as recited by our editor.
The ebola virus has crossed species and begun infecting members of the canine family. Suspected origionally as a mild variant of canine distemper in a population of wild dogs located near the eastern border of Burkina Faso the ebola virus has now been confirmed as being communicated to both wild dog populations as well as several towns domestic dog populations. As is common with diseases that cross species, the virus affects canids differently, primarily causing spastic, involuntary muscle movement, excessive salivary production and an inability to close the affected animals eyes. The disease is nonlethal in canids but as easily transmissable through contact with bodily fluids and has raised fears that the virus may spread further due to the roaming, communal nature of dogs themselves. Studies are currently underway to determine if the disease is migrating into similar mammalian populations.
We agree with Turkey’s Deputy Prime Minister Bulent Arinc in principle when he says that women should not laugh too loudly in public, but feel the caveat should be extended to everyone. Aside from the blatantly misogynistic aspect of his suggestion, the recommendation that laughter and mirth be constrained in public has a basis in common decency. Who among us hasn’t been offended by the inane giggles emanating from a klatch of idle teens, or the grating cackles of a hen party at the local coffee shop when one is trying to get meaningful work done on the free wifi, not to mention the hearty obnoxious guffaws of some big bellied bulldozer driver choking on his buttered popcorn at the action movie theater multiplex. Yup, we’ve had it with all the frivolity, curb your chortles an save em for the privacy of your own brew-can strewn den where your amusement can be appreciated by the only one who truly can, your worthless, leftover-stuffed pet poodle. He’s the only one that really cares if you are happy anyway. This world is a serious place Buster, there are people starving out there and some of them are us. Save your chuckles for St. Peter when he explains the irony of the fact that he’s gotta let you in because the bus hit you just after you left the absolution booth, even though your real reason for confession was to get under the skin of the priest. If the world was a bit more somber and serious maybe we could finally something important done, like digging trenches and building walls.
Even in these modern days, the times of unisex bathrooms and girdles for dudes of advanced age and advancing waistlines it should be understood that the feminists are wrong, men and women are not equal. Women got a shape way different than men, thank goodness. Men lumber, knuckles adrag, scratching, snorting, huffing and pooting, knocking stuff asunder and leaving bad smells. Women make their way through the world in a dance of flower fragrant grace, a swirl of becoming glances, Heddy Lamar tosses of the head and starry smiles. Equal pay my hairy bicep. The crewcut lassie that wears a flannel shirt and can heft five ten foot two by fours while walking the wall plates to assist with setting rafters all while swinging a full tool belt deserves that equal pay, or better, if she can wield a framing axe more proficiently than the foreman on the job. But equal pay just because the sky is the same color for her as it is for the lead bottomed plumber in the gravel strewn crawl space, bah humbug. On one hand the #womenagainstfeminism movement, (they got a facebook page, and a twitter presence, lookit up), seems like a bad idea. After all the girlies have been fighting since the nascence of time for a fair shake, now, in recent years they’ve made a few steps forward, like the right to vote, (in this country), the ability to play golf in most country clubs and the wearing of pants, (in more ways than one), why now are some of them posting photos and participating in these movements? The sites have a large number of adherents, women posting cutsie pics with signs reading, “I like being a robot.”, and “Thanks for the beatings.”. Can 12,000 + ladies really enjoy being chattel? Again, on first glance, it sounds like bad reasoning. But is it really? If the movement grew that fast, two months, there must be some logic to it. And the more we thought about it, the more it did make sense, from this man’s point of view. We never really liked those feminists anyway, smoking our cigars, swilling our scotch, wearing our shirts. Well maybe the wearing our shirts wasn’t so bad. But taking our jobs, that really grates. Until these feminist came along men were the chefs, womenthey were just cooks. Men managed and assistant managed the convenience stores, women were sometimes clerks, but night manager, no dice. The trades were a mans world, where the coffee cups were filled with an acrid syrup and never washed. Where the Rigid tool calender hung proudly on the wall and invective filled the air. Then the feminists wanted in, and along with em came OSHA, and PC talk and it became gauche to heat your burrito on the engine block or scratch your back on the door jamb. All the fun done gone. So lets all go backwards, we like the idea. #womenagainstfeminism, may your movement prosper and grow strong. May all your members play with Barbies and wear baby doll dresses. May you beat the clothes clean upon rocks and hot iron them to a fine, straight crisp for us, your masters. May you walk barefoot and subservient that us menfolk may hunt, fish, gamble and poot at our leisure.
What inane nonsense will those silly Europeans dream up next? First it was Oktoberfest, just a beer and brat party by another name. The only way a grown man can be coerced into prancing about in lederhosen is with a large stein of suds. Then they came up with caber tossing, highland games and the hammer throw. The only way a grown man can be convinced to cavort about in a plaid skirt is when he’s loaded up with whiskey. And who invented those national costumes? The only way a full grown Greek man would parade around in this outfit is with a snootfull of Ouzo. So it’s only logical that the European lads and lasses would come up with the ludicrous idea that they are entitled to a right to be forgotten. And then to try and legislate it so the rest of the globe has to forget them to. Who has been the first to try to take advantage of the law? Sleazeballs and balloonmen.
By law Google is required to delete the facts, facts mind you, rock solid indisputable they really happened facts in their search results regarding these actual incidents and behaviors when a person, or legal entity requests it. Too bad Google is a public company, responsible to it’s shareholders who want to make a profit, otherwise Sergey and Larry might be inclined to do the right thing, which is; “Forgive, but never forget.” And now the EU, those geniuses behind the law want to extend it’s reach to include areas global in nature. Yup, search for the history of Vlad the Impaler and if he’s filed a complaint with the EU you won’t find results that state he had a line of 20,000 living corpses on posts for miles along the road leading into Targoviste.
No one has a right to be forgotten, if you are you earned it through a life lived quietly, that never hurt a fly. But the people we should never forget are those whose history we don’t want repeated. Oh, and forget I ever streaked in front of thousands gathered for a small town festival please, thank goodness there was no internet then.
Jealousy, the green eyed monster, (lookit up), has now reared it’s ugly head in the most disturbing place. Yep, your dog is jealous. He’s jealous of the better food you eat, he hates it when your friends hug you, he wants to drive your car, he wishes he had an Iphone and he hates to see you leave for work when you could be taking him for a walk instead. Research by Friederike Range and her colleagues at the University of Vienna, Austria, has shown that the little beasties we are so fond of, and the big goofy ones too, get frenzied with envy at all those little snubs we thought they didn’t notice. Testing the slavering hounds by asking them to shake paws with the researchers and offering them nothing in return, then doing so in the company of a new mutt who was rewarded for performing the task, it was noticed that the unrewarded fleabag became obstreperous and less willing to shake when he noticed the compensation make to the new pest. Dogs who weren’t rewarded became insanely jealous, feverish with rage, snapping out and nipping the scientists, buying guns and stockpiling ammo in their little igloo kennels [AMAZONPRODUCTS asin="B0002DI4I0"], posting hundreds of photos of the researchers with mustaches and crazy eyes drawn on them and leaving little piles of detritus on the hallway carpet. It was only after rewarding the affronted canine subjects of the study with cans of Dinty Moore beef stew that they returned to their docile, lovable selfs, putting their fuzzy heads on the scientists laps and looking up with doleful eyes for forgiveness.
Recent news from the Centers For Disease Control and the National Institute of Health has sent newsrooms around the world into a frenzy, predicting the end of the human race at our own hands. Live smallpox cultures were discovered in a decades old storage unit, posing a severe threat to anyone exposed and the possibility of an outbreak. Improper handling of anthrax cultures and the virulent bird flu virus led to a nationwide closure of all CDC and NIH labs until a full audit of the methods and procedures for both agencies is completed. But one scientist has an unusually upbeat take on these revelations of our ineptitude at what is thought to be the highest level of scientific security. Clyde Frommage, a spokesman for the CDC’s Bethesda, Maine regional laboratory has gone on the record for the graduated exposure of the public to these and other agents as a way to build genetic immunity for the race. “Just as an undiscovered tribe, like the recent Amazon peoples in Brazil, are at the mercy of decimation[AMAZONPRODUCTS asin="B00149VP14"] by a whole panoply of common diseases that the civilized world is immune to,” Frommage said, “we, as a race are subject to extinction if we are not allowed to naturally develop immunities to these and other pathogens.”
Frommage went on to explain that it’s not just smallpox, anthrax and the various new strains of the flu virus that we would benefit from limited exposure and adaptation to, but a wide range of hazardous materials and toxins, including the newly developed compounds that are part of the nano-technology sciences, like fullerenes and other carbon compounds. “With modern medical techniques and the advances we have made in early diagnosis and treatment, the nightmare scenarios that have been predicted are unlikely to take place.” Frommage says. “We should learn from the lessons culled from the prevalent overuse of antibiotics in the early sixties and seventies, where, instead of our bodies adapting to the diseases, it was the microbes that adapted to the medications.”
Frommage made his comments at the Aspen Institute, a think tank held every summer in Aspen, Colorado for leaders in technology and other fields.
Why is solitary confinement so effective? Why are all those people in the store walking around talking to themselves? Is a loud salloon the best place to mull over a beer all by your lonesome? Science now has the answer, and it’s shocking, literally. When left alone with nothing to do, people will do anything to alleviate the boredom, including harming themselves. A just published study undertaken at the University of Virginia discovered that, when left alone with just their thoughts, most people would do almost anything for entertainment, including shocking themselves with electricity. Because the experiment was filmed, the whangdang doodle was sort of out of the question, which is the standard response to alone time. Instead participants were faced with the bleak choice of the voices in their head or a strategically placed little button, no not that button, the other one, that delivered a mild electric shock.[AMAZONPRODUCTS asin="B00FPE6UN2"] Now, when this writer was rearing his kids and the lawnmower wouldn’t start, he asked his unsuspecting young daughter to hold the spark plug wire while he pulled the cord. She let him know the spark wasn’t the problem by quietly walking away, forever after doubtful of her father, and himself as equally disappointed. A mild shock usually leaves no lasting damage however, and these victims in the the experiment at UV were self dosing. Which prompts the question regarding the researchers and the researched; What does a masochist say? He says, “Oh, hit me, beat me, hurt me please.” And how does the sadist respond? “Nooooo.”
Following their recent decision declaring drone aircraft as subject to regulation, the Federal Aviation Administration has broadened it’s scope to include all objects capable of a flight longer than that of their normal duration of airtime while subject to gravitational forces. As such, a rock, snowball, popsicle, tennis ball or body would not fall under its jurisdiction, while a person in a wingsuit, paper airplanes,[AMAZONPRODUCTS asin="0545396344"] toy soldiers with parachutes and maple seedlets, (if not naturally dispersed), would have to meet stringent new standards. Meant to fully define just what and what isn’t an aircraft, and to increase public safety at a time when innovation has brought many new hazards into our skies than were historically present, the broad new definition was created as a preventative measure against these nascent technologies. Simply put, if it floats to earth it can be regulated, if it falls, not. Michael P. Heurta, who President Obama appointed head of the FAA in 2013 explained that while the new regulations may seem overly comprehensive they were necessary given the technological and material advances being made. He noted that , while inclusive, many of the regulations enforcement will be left to the discretion of field officers and he doesn’t expect a flood of complaints in the courts about helium filled party balloons. The regulations and definitions can be viewed at the FAA’s website.