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“I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. H. L. Mencken”

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Head Transplant, Sign Us Up!

Bar RefaeliWith the recent news that it will be possible to have one’s head transplanted to a different body everyone from celebrities to the rich and famous are signing on for the procedure when it becomes available. Pamela Anderson has signed on for her head to be grafted to Kate Upton’s body should it become available, congressman Mitch McConnell is soliciting a new head from almost anyone but Yertle the Turtle and even Barack Obama has expressed an interest in obtaining Colin Kaepernick’s torso as he’s a big fan of the biceps and tats. Several physicians and clinics are taking advanced bookings for the procedure, subject to FDA approval, including the well respected Beverly Hills Plastic Surgery Clinic of Dr. Gabriel Chiu, who has been featured on the Discovery Channel. The clinic had actually been accepting applications for the procedure two years before the recent news articles, having a discriminating clientele that is well heeled and ahead of its time. It is rumored that French actor Gerard Depardieu was the first to request the operation while he was at the clinic having a rhinoplasty performed in an attempt to look more like his idol, Nick Nolte.

While the list of those interested in having the work done continues to grow, a large number of those interviewed had no desire to change things up that drastically, model/actress Bar Refaeli stating, “For the record, one doesn’t change perfect.”

Rest In Peace Leonard Nimoy

nimoyLeonard Nimoy, veteran actor whose character  in the original television series Star Wars was often a pillar of illogical logic has died at age 83. Nimoy, who played the rational foil of Spock to the hot headed James Kirk, (played by Harrison Ford), inspired a generation of young men to learn to signal each other with the hand held in a v configuration, two fingers together on one side, ring and pinky together  on the other, and uttering the wish that we live long and prosper. Nimoy is best known for the role and his many reprisals of the well liked character and will likely be ensconced in a black onyx sarcophagus before being launched into outer space for burial, a Kickstarter campaign is already underway.

Nimoy had decades of acting experience prior to his involvement with the Star Wars series, including several roles in early westerns where his gaunt physique seemed appropriate astride a horse and sporting a six gun. Nimoy was also a veteran stage actor whose distinctive voice lent a gravitas to the roles he played. He had been considered for the role of Big Bird as the PBS Series was being developed but other commitments prohibited from signing on.

Preorder An Apple ICar

apple carApple is taking preorders for its soon to be produced electric car. The energy efficient car will roll off the assembly lines in March of 2016 and features such innovative features as instant linking to all Apple IPhones, IPads and any other Apple product manufactured after June of 2014. Linking will permit the driver to use these devices for navigation, music, cell phone communication and entertainment. Apple has further plans to fully integrate its communication devices that may include hands free driving of the vehicle and an automatic shutdown for security and should owners fail to make payment.

The AppleCar is being produced in several iterations, a compact two door version whose design mimics the famed Mini Cooper only fatter and more squat, a four door minivan design roughly approximating the Scion, and a sporty model that is reminiscent of the classic Triumph TR3 that will come in all wheel drive. All three will originally be made in white only, with white interiors and a unique set of creamy white rubber tires. After the first year of sales Apple will release it’s vehicles in several pastel colors as well.

The cars have a nonreplaceable 24kw battery located in the floor pan of the vehicle, with an independent drive motors at each front wheel, one at each wheel for the four wheel drive version and are estimated to have a 185 mile range. Charging the car requires a proprietary coiled charging cord, stowed behind the front licence plate. Charging the vehicle must be done at a specialized Apple charging facility, the plug is different than most plugs in common use today and Apple claims the voltage is highly specialized but our tests indicated a more or less traditional 48 vdc was being used. ApplePay is accepted, and charging times are estimated to be in the range of 2 to 3 hours for a full charge from empty. Another proprietary twist was the use of the unique white tires which we found to be of a nonstandard 13.5 rim size and required 32 bead-locker bolts, each with a head shaped like the Apple logo, complete with bite. A special wrench is needed to both replace the tire and remove the wheel for flat repair.

Preorders are being accepted for the car, buyers must come up with the full purchase price, $218,000 and must sign a two year contract to have the vehicles maintained by Apple Store staff.

Psst, Hey Buddy, Wanna Buy A Secret?

fedcoin So for example you work for a small company whose negotiations with Walmart for a big order are about to cause a rise in the companies stock and you’d like to profit by some insider knowledge without running afoul of the SEC. What do you do? Simple, sell the info to Darkleaks, the new black market for  information that pays you for all those dirty little secrets anonymously. Know that your neighbor is philandering and their spouse would pony up for that info? Darkleaks has a searchable database that the spouse can use, paying for the info of course and you can rake in some shekels all the while sympathizing and condoling in whatever manner you deem appropriate. Got a hot tip for the Ruskies about a back door into the Crimea? That should be worth something. Want to help the Reds in China with some blueprints of the new laser defense shield being deployed in central California? Darkleaks has an app for that too.

Whether its a small salient bit or a big salty state secret, you can now leak it on Darkleaks and collect money for the deed. Developed to use the now universal, and more anonymous than a Swiss bank account, Bitcoin platform, the system encrypts and breaks into packets the information submitted and randomizes it before parsing it back to whoever is willing to pay for it. The leaker is protected, the payee is protected, the info is out there to be sold again and whether ones motives are as noble as Mr. Snowdens, (Get it through your thick heads you banner waving yoinks, calling out your government when it’s up to no good is not unpatriotic.), or as self serving as Kim Philby you can peddle it to Darkleaks and get paid.

Look for the service to be short lived, it obviously has the potential for abuse, anyone want to know where Vanilla Ice really gets his furniture? But for now you can let something slip and get paid in Bitcoin, or the new digital currency Fedcoin the US government is implementing.

Crunchy Foods Crackle

cheetos

It’s the latest trend, and the snappiest. Crunchy foods are making some noise. Ya talk about your Cheetos, well at first that’s all they were, but boy were they something. Made our digits yellow, our favorite color. So Frito-Lay made Cheetos Cheese Puffs, good but not a category killer, these softer salient morsels were a mouthful but never triumphed in the market like their crunchier cousins. So they made the Cheeto spicy, as in Flamin Hot Cheetos. A winner! But wait, there’s even more! The intractable mascot Chester is now suggesting you side dish some Limon Cheese flavored snacks and some Cheddar Jalapeno Cheetos with a spattering of Chili Cheese Fantastix to boot. These are toasty, tasty tidbits that a man could live on for the rest of his days in crispy, crunching bliss. Would that the Dallas based corporation send this editor a case of the yellow tinged corn crisps, and a lifetime membership to the Chester the Cheetah fan-club he could live out his days ever tilting and rattling the cellophane bag till the last crumb danced upon his tongue and ground between his molars.

Crunchy foods are all the rage, Frito Lay didn’t need to come up with their devil may care spokesman to sell their wares, but it didn’t hurt. The company already had a bang-up selection of snack foods and who among us can eat just one of those light, delectable Lays Potato Chips. They were merely ahead of their time. They saw crunchy, and tasty for what it really was, and always has been, the pinnacle of  delicious delights. Now Kellogg’s Raisin Bran is good stuff, we love it, but let it sit in milk too long and, well, it’s just so so. The advent of granola meant Kellogg’s had to step up, and so they did and Crunchy Raisin Bran was born, only one problem, if it sat too long in milk…..  That makes Frito Lay a genius, one doesn’t pour milk over their product, one has a glass of milk on the side. Cereal manufacturers should heed that lesson, or maybe they did with granola bars.

Just how much crunchness can one get out of the Frito Lay company? Well, there’s the namesake Frito, and the dipping size Frito, and the Chili Cheese Frito, the Bar-B-Cue Frito, the Dorito, the Cool Ranch Dorito, the Rold-Gold Pretzel, the Funjun, the Tostito, the Ruffles with ridges, it’s too much to type about all these tasty treats, time for a trip!

Crunch is the do-all end-all in producing many palatable food products. No one likes a soft Rye-Crisp, (but we still save ours to make soup, plus extra packets of black pepper from McDonalds), hence the name Rye-Crisp instead of Rye-Mush. Food scientists and chefs are always striving to make what we love crunchy, it satisfies, it makes noise, tells the world we aren’t afraid to eat. Would that they all learn something from the experts at Frito-Lay, and that cavalier Chester, connoisseur of all things snappy.

Shipbuilder To Harvest Plastic From Sea

shipThe world’s largest shipbuilder, Chinese State Shipbuilding Corporation, (CSSC), is announcing plans to harvest some of the oceans 85 trillion tonnes of plastic and recycle it into building materials for its operations. Using a novel approach that involves eddy collection at the ships stern, thus minimizing the drag that would occur if collection was at the bow, the companies method should have an appreciable effect on the global problem of pollution. The Company developed the method in cooperation with Mulliken, Michigan industrial plastic furniture manufacturer PollyProducts whose concern over the problem of plastic pollution led them to develop a simple method for harvesting and refining of the material. State run CSSC will install the collection and refining  devices on all of its future projects, such as the cruise ship it is developing for Miami based Carnival Cruise Lines and is developing a model that can be retro fit to many of the larger vessels currently in use.

The device collects plastic flotsam in the stern of the boat before it is carried away by the ships displacement wave where it is churned by the ships propulsion system. Churning allows much of the organic material that exists in the plastic, barnacles, algae, etc. to be returned to the sea. The plastic is then carried by eddy or vortex effect into the collection device where it is shredded into particles as small as 2mm. Pieces of flotsam as large as 1 meter square are thus rendered minute enough to be further processed by the machine. After size reduction several processes, patented by the companies, are employed to separate the plastic by type so it can be rendered into usable material. While not fully explained, the process uses the varied specific gravity of the different types of plastic to sort it by type, i.e. PVC, HDPE, Polystyrene, etc. As well as harvesting the plastic the machinery has the additional benefit of salvaging metals and other materials, such as glass, wood and ceramics contained in the plastic during the process and burns the non-recyclable material, feeding the excess heat back into the ship’s systems. While not a complete answer to the problems of the ocean’s plastic pollution problem, the device is not intended to be used solely for harvesting, but as an adjunct to the ships propulsion system, it is estimated that on a typical transpacific ocean crossing, about 6400 miles, the device could collect over 7 tonnes of material and result in a .04 percent reduction in fuel costs.

 

Surprise Your Valentine With 50 Shades of Grey

Couple on Bench - The Yellow PressValentines Day should be special. This year 50 Shades of Grey, the book, movie and theme, not so much the selection at the old folks home, are all the latest rage. The Yellow Press has assembled a list of ways you can make this Valentines Day extra special using some simple tricks and props that anyone can afford to enjoy.

  • First and foremost establish a good safety word. Common words and phrases like “Oh!”, “No!”, “Please Stop!” and “Let Go Of My Knickers!” are not appropriate for this sport and take all the fun out. Use an obscure phrase like “Caveat Emptor!” instead.
  • Scarves can be used as both blindfolds and binders. Make sure your furnishings have good sturdy attachment points and that the knots are secure and the scarf used has adequate tensile strength. Practice your knots of the dog but be sure to untie him before the postman comes.
  • Whips should be as long as possible and made of a suitable latigo or rawhide. A whip’s sharp crack is actually the sound the end makes as it goes faster than the speed of sound and quality leather is always appreciated.
  • Whipped cream is much cheaper at the warehouse stores. Get the aerosol can, no one wants to mess with a spoon and a tub at times like this.
  • No need to spend money on handcuffs, zip ties are handy and cheap.
  • Thrift stores are good places to get costumes. Pre-snip at critical places to make them easier to rip.
  • Dollar stores are good for pot scrubbers, whisks, ladles, hot dish mats and other handy kitchen tools.
  • Get a full block of ice from the supermarket, the small cubes don’t last.
  • Practice sticking your tongue straight out, left, right, up, down.
  •  Remember this is a marathon, not a hundred meter dash.

With these handy tips your “50 Shades of Grey” Valentine celebration should be a spanking success.

Brian Lied, Big Deal

brian williamsSo one of our silk suited spokespersons, Brian Williams,  lied, big deal. If your momma didn’t teach you to never trust a suit, you shoulda learned it in grade school. All the news shills do it. Think Geraldo Rivera, (nee Gerald Michael Riviera, everyone is someone else)  ever took a bullet, nah, like every other slick he let the poor fight the war while he cheered them on from The Green Zone. Granted, some real journalists get in the thick of it and don’t have to lie about their experiences, often because someone else tells their tale after their death.

Just add it up, we ain’t stoopid. Watch an hour of news on any of the major outlets and whadda ya get. Placebos and puffery, some pretty face with a mic standing on a street corner talking about the explosion and how even now, hours later, she fears her hair or make-up will be ruint. A few minutes about the upcoming release of a new action film and an interview with its hunky star. How your pet really, really cares about you, (He doesn’t, he just wants a few kibbles and the toilet seat left up.) A piece about how Samsung is spying on you through your TV but nothing about how the government already knows everything and wants to punish anyone who exposes their own dirty little secrets.

 

So Brian Williams lied, big deal. Walter Cronkite shilled for Winston cigarettes. Katy Couric is cute as a button. Weather porn is all over. Sean Hannity wears a girdle. Bill O’Reilly can’t control his temper and has a thing for the loofah. Rush Limbaugh is a, well what can one say about Mr. Limbaugh that he hasn’t already proven by opening his mouth. Point is Williams lied because he had to. Salesmen are always sizzling up the product.

That’s the news we get, it’s also what we deserve, uncurious couch potatoes that we are, slouching our opinionated selves in front of the tv, gorging on cool ranch Doritos and watching the antics of nimrods like those Alaskan bush league people, when all it really takes to learn what’s going on in the world is to push a button and catch Democracy Now! or the Al Jazeera network, where one gets more information in a minute than a full day of Al Roker. A flagpole isn’t vertical unless checked from more than one angle.

On an aside, The Yellow Press is not afraid of a lie. It is recognizing falsehoods that keep us from falling into the Venus flytraps of life. Want to be a reporter for us, Click Here, liars welcome.

 

 

Kanye West A Punk

kanye west taylor swift Kanye West’s a punk. One of the hallmarks of maturity is keeping one’s mouth shut when things aren’t exactly going your way. Kanye West has shown us again he’s got some growing up to do with his vocal dissatisfaction with the results of The Grammy’s awarding best album of the year to the artist Beck. Proving that he learned nothing from his previous little tantrum over Taylor Swift’s receipt of a VMA award in 2009, (some people do some growing up in seven years), West made a stinky face and some nasty remarks when his own favorite, Beyonce, was passed up.

This editor remembers  the first time he saw West at one of those self congratulatory awards ceremonies Hollywood has every other week. West was being lauded for something or other, we don’t know, his talents are beyond our ken, but he bounded up on stage and began elaborating upon how much he deserved the tin trophy, how great and greatly under appreciated he and his talents were. Somehow he has managed to make a career of puffing himself up and having public tantrums when things aren’t going the way he’d hoped. That we, as an audience fund such juvenile antics show how far we’ve slipped in our own judgement.

The idolization of our rich for no other reason than that they are rich,  the backstabbing reality stars without scruples, the toilet humor that pervades entertainment and making celebrities of  those who show us the greatest cleavage indicates again how simple, as in simple minded we are. Once, our heros were humble, soft spoken yet still had the courage to stand up for what was right, some still do. Pouting about an awards ceremony doesn’t seem to rate, West may have talent but he’s no fast learner.

Oh That Bruce!

bruce jennerThat rascally Bruce, just what is (s)he up to now? A new shade of pink? Something silky and slinky? When one starts shaving more than their facial hair just where does it all end and did all those swimmers invent manscaping just to be faster in the water? Maybe Mike Mozart is the only one with any real answers to these kinds of questions but we here at The Yellow Press ain’t afeared to give it a go ourselves.

Oh mercy mercy me, things ain’t what they used to be. Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side. All options are open, come right up, pay yer nickel and get yer own self a new doo! Someone I know, given their druthers would be a famous crooner. If the lottery was in the stars another friend would go off the grid, like wayyy off. Met a man once who was dying, he wanted things another way than they were, so he sat inside his house, could barely make it to the mailbox, smoked that medical stuff incessantly, told me he was loving life, living the dream as he puffed and held deep. He’s gone now, as is his pain, who’s to say that that wasn’t the way things were supposed to work out. Another friend coincidentally often says the exact same thing, “Loving life, living the dream.”, he doesn’t touch the stuff, hang-glides, skis better than an invincible teen, works twenty hour days but still finds time for his fam, and, as far as I know doesn’t wish for anything more than the best for everyone he’s ever met.  If wishes were horses every eight year old would have a pony, some a My Little Pony, some a rootin – tootin buckskin like Matt Dillon straddled. (Little known fact, John Wayne hated horses.) Careful what you wish for it might just come true. Bruce wants something to accentuate his long legs, to set off his lush locks, to look the way (s)he feels. Vladamir wants the Ukraine, mainly for the gymnasts. We all have wishes, perhaps having just them and having them stay just wishes is the best outcome possible. Hard to say if Bruce Jenner’s new protuberances will  satisfy or if (s)he will have regrets and longings for the original factory version.

Longing to be something else, to have things shake out differently is not particularly new or newsworthy, we poor folk just watch to see whats gonna happen next. Oh those wealthy neighbors, what’s the color they’ll paint their house and are they really eating that much better?